Other employee's get year end bonuses; you get tasered.
12 times during your performance evaluation you distinctly heard the words "Drop dead"
He's serves a new trainee coffee in your coffee cup and then invites him to drink it at your javascript:void(0)desk.
The only reason you were invited to the office party was to play the donkey in the pin the tail on the donkey game
Your name is Bob and when you play your employer's albums backwards you clearly hear the words "Kill Bob"
He asks you to go and pick up a pizza and then quickly changes the locks.
Your keenly trained senses suggests there may be something amiss. Your boss won't give you eye contact, he straightens perfectly ordered papers, and you pick up a slight stuttering when he says "Your fired!"
You so annoy everyone that when the boss hires the mafia to do a hit on you Mr. Big says "It's on the house"
Your 8 x 10 photo of your family has been switched out with an unemployment application
If memory serves you correctly, the directions to your new work area places you inside the chute that drops into the dumpster
You thought it was too good to be true that you were eligible for 52 weeks of vacation this year and you were right
Monday, April 11, 2011
Top reasons you're a Facebook junkie
When your dog needs to go to the bathroom he has to post a request on your Wall
Your facebook page has made your nightlight obsolete
Staring at your grandchildren pics with bloodshot eyes is a small indicator of how long you've been online. The big indicator is that when you signed on your status was single.
You've downloaded a shower app so you can max your online time
You place your lunch on your keyboard so you won't forget it in the morning
Your loved one sits down with you on the couch. You ask them about their day in a chat session
You were actually outside yesterday and were awestruck that there were still real people accomplishing productive non-virtual things
Career development and plans of starting a family have been replaced with upping your "Friends" and "Liked this" count
Your activity on facebook is so intense that the neighboring towns are experiencing rolling brown outs
The lights are out, your eyes are shut but your burned out retinas are still displaying your facebook page
Yesterday you momentarily logged off in hopes of still catching President Clinton's swearing in ceremony
You've enrolled in a 12 step Facebook program. Ironically step 1 is to admit you are a "Facebook Junkie" in the comments section
Your facebook page has made your nightlight obsolete
Staring at your grandchildren pics with bloodshot eyes is a small indicator of how long you've been online. The big indicator is that when you signed on your status was single.
You've downloaded a shower app so you can max your online time
You place your lunch on your keyboard so you won't forget it in the morning
Your loved one sits down with you on the couch. You ask them about their day in a chat session
You were actually outside yesterday and were awestruck that there were still real people accomplishing productive non-virtual things
Career development and plans of starting a family have been replaced with upping your "Friends" and "Liked this" count
Your activity on facebook is so intense that the neighboring towns are experiencing rolling brown outs
The lights are out, your eyes are shut but your burned out retinas are still displaying your facebook page
Yesterday you momentarily logged off in hopes of still catching President Clinton's swearing in ceremony
You've enrolled in a 12 step Facebook program. Ironically step 1 is to admit you are a "Facebook Junkie" in the comments section
Top signs your dog has an eating disorder
The word "gravy" whispered from 300 yards away makes him leap up even while under anesthesia
He is so full that if you put him in a dogapult and hurled him over the enemy walls he would be considered a weapon of mass destruction. ( note: a catapult is for cats )
At first you were hopeful when Fido enrolled in the 12 step program from "Devouring Dogs Anonymous." But you are heartbroken when you hear that their 3 times a day meetings are held at the buffet.
When being treated for dehydration he insists that the Vet use an I.V. filled with turkey gravy
He continuously begs you for more and more of those doggy appetite suppressant treats.
He doesn't like politics mixed his chow time. He doesn't want to hear the words "Quantitative Eating"
Compared to him, Pavlov's Salivating dogs appear to have cotton mouth
After lunch he is so bloated that when the mailman comes all he can do is bark and frantically move his legs in midair.
In his boxing days, when knocked unconscious, it was more effective to use bacon than smelling salts
He is so full that if you put him in a dogapult and hurled him over the enemy walls he would be considered a weapon of mass destruction. ( note: a catapult is for cats )
At first you were hopeful when Fido enrolled in the 12 step program from "Devouring Dogs Anonymous." But you are heartbroken when you hear that their 3 times a day meetings are held at the buffet.
When being treated for dehydration he insists that the Vet use an I.V. filled with turkey gravy
He continuously begs you for more and more of those doggy appetite suppressant treats.
He doesn't like politics mixed his chow time. He doesn't want to hear the words "Quantitative Eating"
Compared to him, Pavlov's Salivating dogs appear to have cotton mouth
After lunch he is so bloated that when the mailman comes all he can do is bark and frantically move his legs in midair.
In his boxing days, when knocked unconscious, it was more effective to use bacon than smelling salts
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Top signs you've got a dumb dog
Requested that her I.Q. test be reformatted so this time she can smell the questions and then eat them
Plays pin the tail on the donkey but keeps putting the tail on herself and then runs in circles for hours trying to catch it.
She sees a fire hydrant but just can't grasp it's importance
At the Veterinarian office she gets extremely happy when she hears you say "spade". All she can think about is how many pretzels she got last time you played cards.
Can only count up to twenty. But that's only once those silly little paw booties come off.
When asked to solve difficult math questions like " How old are you in human years?" she has a nervous breakdown
Countless bruises on nose from confrontations with the evil dog guarding the other side of the mirror
Dogs with blank stares have to tell her what "spade" really means
She is frustrated and insists that the I.Q. test needs more questions like " If it looks like a bone, smells like a bone and tastes like a bone then what is it?
Actually believes that flea and tick baths gives you fleas and ticks
Continues to post on facebook the current location of where she is digging holes in the neighborhood even though she just accepted a friend request from the dog catcher
Even after repeatedly watching that " Barking phonics" video she still pronounces "woof" as "oops"
Plays pin the tail on the donkey but keeps putting the tail on herself and then runs in circles for hours trying to catch it.
She sees a fire hydrant but just can't grasp it's importance
At the Veterinarian office she gets extremely happy when she hears you say "spade". All she can think about is how many pretzels she got last time you played cards.
Can only count up to twenty. But that's only once those silly little paw booties come off.
When asked to solve difficult math questions like " How old are you in human years?" she has a nervous breakdown
Countless bruises on nose from confrontations with the evil dog guarding the other side of the mirror
Dogs with blank stares have to tell her what "spade" really means
She is frustrated and insists that the I.Q. test needs more questions like " If it looks like a bone, smells like a bone and tastes like a bone then what is it?
Actually believes that flea and tick baths gives you fleas and ticks
Continues to post on facebook the current location of where she is digging holes in the neighborhood even though she just accepted a friend request from the dog catcher
Even after repeatedly watching that " Barking phonics" video she still pronounces "woof" as "oops"
Top signs you've eaten too much on Thanksgiving
The remote is squarely on your belly button but you can't reach it.
Every Sumo wrestler you pass by turns and squats in a defensive posture.
You've finished your last forkful and the kids are being told their breakfast is ready.
Before dinner you looked like a stunning "after" photo and after dinner you looked like that darn "before" photo
You receive a call at the dinner table and your boss says, " Where are you? Monday's meeting is about to start."
If eating turkey became a felony there would not be any forensic evidence to convict you.
If food scraps from the table actually were fleas then your dog would not have to scratch himself for the rest of his life.
For your guests personal safety your spouse has requested that no one wear any headdresses displaying multiple feathers
When the food runs out you ask relatives stupid questions like "Aren't turkey bones edible?"
Although you cooked a manly sized turkey, when your guests arrive late your spouse nervously suggests to them that maybe it would be a nice change of pace to order a pizza.
The amount of Serotonin in your system is enough to keep even the dawn from awakening
Every Sumo wrestler you pass by turns and squats in a defensive posture.
You've finished your last forkful and the kids are being told their breakfast is ready.
Before dinner you looked like a stunning "after" photo and after dinner you looked like that darn "before" photo
You receive a call at the dinner table and your boss says, " Where are you? Monday's meeting is about to start."
If eating turkey became a felony there would not be any forensic evidence to convict you.
If food scraps from the table actually were fleas then your dog would not have to scratch himself for the rest of his life.
For your guests personal safety your spouse has requested that no one wear any headdresses displaying multiple feathers
When the food runs out you ask relatives stupid questions like "Aren't turkey bones edible?"
Although you cooked a manly sized turkey, when your guests arrive late your spouse nervously suggests to them that maybe it would be a nice change of pace to order a pizza.
The amount of Serotonin in your system is enough to keep even the dawn from awakening
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